Sacrifice

Our Mother’s Light: Sacrifice 

The stability of the family depends on the sacrifice of the woman. When I first meditated on this, I had to really think about the word sacrifice. The definition of sacrifice is to surrender something of value as a means of gaining something more desirable or preventing some evil. Before coming to M’TAM, I thought that sacrificing for my family meant I should work hard. The value I gave up was time with my children. The gain of something more desirable was income, which means a nice home, vacations, good education, college fund, etc. and preventing evil was making sure my children were never without the “things” that they needed. Through the M’tam education, I know that what a child really needs is their mother and all of the things that the true sacrifice of a woman, according to traditional values, brings. 

The role of a woman – a mother and a wife – is one of hard work. It requires work in terms of cooking and providing nourishment and energy to the family. The woman keeps the home clean. She is the first teacher of the child. She supports the husband in his role as the leader. The woman’s body is the vessel used to grow a baby for nine months to bring ancestors from her husband’s bloodline into this physical realm and she is also the carrier of the spiritual destiny of a child. The woman is truly the backbone of the family and the backbone of the household and the backbone of the community. There is the saying that the work of a woman is never done. This is very true. 

When I meditate on the Holy Drama, it is clear that the Divine World created a Divine Man and a Divine Women. AISHAT demonstrated sacrifice for her husband when she searched for his body of WSR and then later put his body back together to ensure that he was able to conceive a child. Her and her sisters then raise and protect HERU until he is old enough to fend for himself. So if you can come to that logical conclusion then it is also logical to understand that the traditional family structure is also the most logical. 

Just as the city of Sybaris was strong because everyone knew their role and played their role, the only way to keep the home strong is to play our roles. It is very logical to see that men and women are different – physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, and I know from the traditions what the gender roles are. In colonial society, gender roles are flipped and tossed upside down and sideways and backwards. Essentially, there are no defined roles. Women work. Men work. Women cook. Men cook. Women raise children. Men raise children. Women do laundry and men do laundry. There is so much confusion in colonial society about what men and women are supposed to do. There is so much emotion surrounding that subject. A woman who stays at home may be angry and bitter that she can’t work or she could be working and be angry and bitter that she can’t be home with her children. On the other hand, a man who stays home may be ashamed and also angry because he is not fulfilled in his role but some men are angry that they have to work and think that a woman has it easy because she is at home taking care of the house. The point is that it is very confusing and very crazy because we do not understand what our roles are and we allow the colonial system to whisper in our ear and corrupt us. 

Just as the Greeks introduced doubts into the minds of the people of Sybaris. The colonial system has the same effect on women. Women are bombarded with messages about inequality (men work, are paid higher salaries) so women think “why can’t I do that?” Society says that women should embrace their sexuality so we doubt our natural makeup and think “why can’t I sleep with multiple men and enjoy sex?” Society sends the message that being a housewife is boring and dull and you have to be beautiful, sexy, and fashionable. So women focus on their hair, makeup, their bodies, and endlessly shop. Society says that you shouldn’t let a man tell you what to do, so women stand up and are outspoken and head strong and don’t allow their husbands to lead them or the home. 

I grew up in a home like this. The gender roles were reversed, despite my parents’ traditional upbringing. My father grew up in the south with a mother and father with defined roles. My mother came from a traditional family. My grandmother and grandfather were married for over 50 years. My grandfather provided the income for the family and my grandmother raised 7 children. My mom left home to come to the United States with big dreams and aspirations to make money, and she succeeded in those dreams. She owned businesses, had money, bought a home, bought nice things, traveled, etc. She sacrificed time and energy with the family in order to work and live the American dream. She made money and was away from the home for up to 10 to 12 hours a day. Sometimes she would be gone for days or weeks at a time. That was challenging for my brother and I because that left my father to raise us. And as much as a father wants to fulfill that role, he cannot be a woman and he cannot provide what a mother would. Growing up I looked at who held the power in the family, and I thought it was my mom. She bought us nice things and toys and clothes and all of that. My mom was able to hold that over my father. But now that I meditate on it, I see that the colonial system had the power over her. She adopted the borrower mentality and gave up everything about her role as a woman and everything about her own traditions so that she could make money. Our household was very strained and weakened because there was no solid structure. There were no defined roles. My mother was not around to fulfill the role that only a woman can and my father was frustrated with being stuck at home. 

She now expresses regret over the decisions she made. She said she missed out on everything that was real and says that if she could do it all over again, she would have been the mother and the wife that she knows she should have been. None of the money she made or the things she had were worth it. 

Our family was weak because no one was strong in what their roles should have been. Her and my father’s marriage failed and now she is recovering from a brain aneurysm from all of the stress of trying to make it in this system. 

My recent trip to Merita, where I saw defined gender roles and strong communities, the M’tam education, and the example that I saw growing up, have made me realize how important a woman is to a family. Her presence, her time, her energy, and her care are essential to make things work. When a woman is strong in her traditional role, then the man can be strong in his role and the family and community can be strong. 

I realize that my time and my energy need to be at home. I’ve chosen to home school my children and make sure I provide the proper example so that they won’t grow up with the same model that I had.